“What’s that audio I am hearing?”
“What sound?”
“I idea I heard something similar miaow, miaow…”
“Oh my cats…oh yes…”
“Are you lot at nowadays breeding cats?”
“Not really. But I take away hold simply joined a grouping of concerned Nigerians who are planning to go to the Presidential Villa inwards Abuja to assist form out this number of rats that invaded the President’s exercise together with chased him out of his exercise equally the BBC reported.”
“You hateful you lot believe that story?”
“Nobody knows what to believe inwards this Earth anymore, but nosotros are patriots together with Baba’s loyalists, together with nosotros are determined to brand our ain contribution. Why don’t you lot bring together us?”
“To go together with kill rats inwards Abuja?”
“Yes. Can’t you lot see that those rats are irresponsible elements? The President traveled for 3 months together with they simply took over his office, ate upward the slice of furniture inwards the exercise together with at nowadays Baba has to go from abode for 3 months patch his exercise would take away hold to hold out renovated, all at populace expense.”
“How on world would rats invade the President’s office?”
“You similar to enquire questions. Garba Shehu, the President’s spokesman together with an experienced journalist who knows a floor is non a floor except it is accurate has told us that they are having a work amongst rats inwards the Villa, who are you lot to incertitude him? Have you lot been to the Villa before?”
“Yes.”
“So, bring together us. Those rats take away hold crossed national ruddy lines. They must hold out destroyed relentlessly because they are terrorists together with criminals. They are inwards fact guilty of treasonable felony. What they take away hold done is the equivalent of an attempted coup d’etat! We, the concerned citizens, volition non accept it. We take away hold a duty to defend this democracy.”
“But why are you lot bothering yourself? The President has met amongst the Security Chiefs. And he gave them a marching guild to ensure national security. They should know what to do”
“But did they obey the marching order? After their coming together amongst the President, the other day, they simply addressed a press conference together with returned to their offices. Not a give-and-take virtually the breach of national safety past times rats. I was shocked. I expected the service chiefs to march right away to the President’s exercise together with bargain amongst the rats amongst immediate effect. This is the problem. Baba has to a greater extent than or less him, people who are non laid to assist his administration. Even the Generals, amongst all their epaulets together with fighting experience, are running away from mutual rats! You at nowadays see why some of us take away hold decided to accept upward this thing equally patriots?”
“I don’t intend anybody volition allow you lot to accept cats into the President’s office, though. That may fifty-fifty hold out to a greater extent than of a threat to national safety than the rats invasion.”
“Okay, what produce you lot suggest, nosotros go to the zoo together with larn lions, jackals, together with hyenas to assault rats?”
“What volition a king of beasts produce amongst rats?”
“That is my point. It is truly a project for cats. Rats flourish inwards the absence of cats. Don’t you lot know it is entirely when the truthful cat is non at abode that rats larn bold plenty to accept over the house? As the Yoruba people set it, a i si nile ologinni, ile di ile ekute.”
“Abasi mbok. I could never imagine that a 24-hour interval volition come upward when Okon Calabar volition accept over Nigeria’s topographic point of power.”
“Okon Calabar. Who is that?”
“Okon Calabar. That is what nosotros telephone band rats inwards Calabar. Okon Calabar is non an ordinary rat at all. It has the appetite of virtually 10 men. Have you lot ever seen a rat that has a pot belly, the number of pathological gluttony?”
“Jesus”
“That is Okon Calabar. Not fifty-fifty rat toxicant tin kill it. And your cats had ameliorate hold out capable. Okon Calabar’s jaws are similar this… strong, frightening. Ugh. In those days, Okon Calabar’s specialty was the household unit of measurement pot of soup. If you lot left your soup pot carelessly inwards the kitchen, Okon Calabar volition lick all the soup together with go out for you lot a build clean pot. The existent floor is that Okon Calabar has rattling rigid spiritual powers; it is an agent of demons together with spirits.”
“Thank you. I intend from at nowadays on, I volition simply hold out rattling careful. Anybody at all who bears Okon whether a rat or a human being… You at nowadays see why Baba had to abandon his exercise together with go from home?”
“But is he truly working from home? I intend he is working from the office.”
“The same exercise where the rats take away hold taken possession?”
“I saw the photograph of the President’s coming together amongst the Service Chiefs. That is truly non the exercise inwards the residence. The exercise inwards the residence is small-scale together with private. I don’t know why nosotros take away hold to hold out told he is working from home, when he is truly using a 2nd exercise which is component subdivision of his main office.”
“The people working for him tell he is working from home, you lot tell he is truly working from his office, some other office. You together with your over-sabi.”
“Well, I may hold out wrong. But the final direction extended the President’s office, past times erecting inwards the dark-green infinite betwixt the President’s exercise together with the residence, a mini-conference/banquet hall, which has a hall, a diplomatic reception room, a fully fitted kitchen, a Presidential office, a stage, a command room, a newsroom, together with a broadcast room where the President tin either tape or take away hold alive broadcast.”
“They may take away hold changed the pattern of things since you lot final visited the Villa. So you lot don’t know”
“But I saw the photographs inwards the media. The exercise inwards that Presidential exercise extension is simply virtually 3 minutes walk from the residence. Once the President goes in that location to concord meetings, he is already effectively inwards the office. And inwards whatever case, was it fifty-fifty necessary to tell us the President is working from abode or that rats take away hold chased him away from his office? If they desire to alter furniture, allow them produce it. There is no signal creating unnecessary news.”
“Your oversabi is getting also much these days.”
“Unnecessary tidings ever generates unnecessary questions. Now, nosotros take away hold been told that N2 billion was truly earmarked for the cleaning together with fumigation of the Villa. So, who is responsible for keeping the Villa rodent-free?”
“N4 billion actually. I listen Julius Berger is inwards accuse of the maintenance of the Villa.”
“So, Julius Berger would take away hold to explicate to Nigerians how rats invaded the President’s office. Is it that they locked upward the identify together with stopped cleaning it? Ordinarily, every component subdivision of the Villa must hold out kept build clean every day. I however don’t believe this rat story. Rats inwards the President’s office? The BBC inwards its written report was practically laughing at Nigeria. I imagine when side past times side whatever unusual diplomat is posted to Nigeria, i of his briefing notes would hold out the demand for him to sentinel out for rats inwards the Villa. Oyinbo people also similar akproko.”
“Do you lot desire to maintain writing an essay on this thing or you lot desire to bring together us? Any small-scale thing, you lot volition simply start vibrating.”
“We demand to enhance questions. But since you lot insist that the rats floor must hold out true, could that also hold out the argue why the Federal Executive Council coming together for this calendar week was canceled?”
“I don’t intend so. You should halt worrying virtually whether a Council coming together is held or not. It is non an issue. There is zippo inwards the Constitution that says FEC must encounter every calendar week or on whatever item day. The President tin take away to concord cabinet meetings on a- need-arises-basis. It is a thing of selection or style.”
“Okay, if I must bring together your rat-catchers gang, what is inwards it for me?”
“Must you lot ever aspect to hold out paid for every service rendered? We are a grouping of volunteer patriots going to Aso Rock to salve it from rats. Oh when the saints/Go marching in/Oh, when the saints go marching in/Oh how I desire to hold out inwards that number/When the saints go marching in/Oh when the drums commence to bang…/I desire to hold out inwards that number…. Are you lot joining us?”
“Wait first. I intend earlier nosotros go to the Villa, nosotros should accept Lassa Fever vaccination equally a shape of protection together with candidly, I intend everybody inwards that Villa should hold out tested for Lassa fever. As you lot good know, rats are vectors of Lassa fever.”
“I don’t intend this thing is that serious.”
“Still, it is ameliorate to accept precautions. Doctors tin hold out imported from either the UK of Britain together with Northern Republic of Ireland or the the U.S. or the Medecins san frontieres tin hold out called inwards to help.”
“We take away hold doctors inwards Nigeria who tin administer vaccination if demand be.”
“Which Nigerian doctors?”
“It is fifty-fifty the project of a nurse. Vaccination is a unproblematic procedure.”
“If you lot desire me to bring together the rat-catchers league of patriots, you lot volition foremost accommodate a trip for me to the UK of Britain together with Northern Republic of Ireland to accept a Lassa fever injection, together with and so I volition hold out prepared.”
“Obviously, you lot are also afraid of the rats, so, you lot take away hold to detect an excuse to dodge. And to intend I take away hold a exercise for you lot inwards this all-important together with urgent national assignment.”
“What role?”
“I desire you lot to hold out our Pied Piper.”
“Pied Piper. What is that?”
“Don’t tell me you lot take away hold never heard of the Pied Piper? The Piped Piper of Hamelin”
“No. Why should I know him? Does he know me too?”
“Kai. What are they pedagogy you lot people inwards schoolhouse these days? And you lot go virtually pretending to hold out educated? Kai. Well, I can’t blame you. What should nosotros aspect when the universities are running epileptic programmes together with the teachers are on smasher almost every year?”
“Don’t insult me. What is your point?”
“Okay, I desire you lot to hold out our Pied Piper, right? You volition wearing clothing upward colourfully, together with play a pipe, a flute or a saxophone or a oral fissure organ, whichever i you lot tin play. You volition also ship our fellowship colours”
“Are nosotros a fellowship together with what has colours got to produce amongst it?”
“We are a brigade. In military machine terms, a brigade is also a company. And when you lot go to war, you lot must ship your colors. That is some other give-and-take for the flag. In this case, you lot volition ship the Nigerian flag.”
“But music? Why the music?”
“The Pied Piper of Hamelin played music for the rats that invaded Hamelin inwards medieval Germany, together with led them out of the urban nub together with hence saved Hamelin from an epidemic. But you lot are non going to play music for the rats inwards Aso Villa. No. No. No. Our strategy is different. We are non going to play music for those rodents together with terrorists. We are going to destroy them. The penalisation for treason inwards Nigeria is death, non music. You volition play music for the kyanwas together with muzuru, to motivate them.”
“And who are those?”
“Cats. Kyanwa- woman soul cats; muzuru- manlike soul cats. We did some inquiry together with establish that cats reply positively to music. No rock volition hold out left unturned on this mission”
“So, how shortly are nosotros storming Aso Villa? The whole thing is showtime to aspect interesting to me.”
“As shortly equally nosotros complete working out the logistics. See, our strategy is simple. The functioning volition hold out codenamed “Operation Kyanwa” past times the Hamelin Brigade. The cats volition assault together with destroy the rats. Then nosotros volition fumigate the entire Villa. The slice of furniture volition hold out moved out together with replaced. And past times God’s grace, the President tin homecoming to his Main office, past times this fourth dimension side past times side week, to go on the noble go of leading 190 meg Nigerians, without whatever threat from irresponsible rats.”
“Brilliant”
“I accept it that you lot are amongst us, then.”
“Ye-s s-ir. “
“Thank you. Let us go together with learn the Okon Calabars of Aso Villa, a lesson. God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria.”
Dr. Reuben Abati was a Special Adviser (Media together with Publicity) to quondam President Goodluck Jonathan